Bradley Cooper is People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2011. Really? Him? Why does People Magazine hate lady parts? I knew it was a pipe dream to see Michael Fassbender as a contender, but what about Jon Hamm? What about – gasp – Robert Pattinson? What about someone who actually has movie star qualities and you actually want to have sex with him? I don’t want to have sex with Bradley Cooper. I don’t particularly want to see his films. He is at best bland and vanilla, and at worst he is actively kind of a douche and a bad actor. CB and I were discussing him recently, and I thing the crux of Bradley’s problem is that he believes he’s a leading man, he’s been told he’s a leading man, everybody is trying to make him be a leading man, and he’s just not. He’s a character actor. No disrespect to character actors – they’re often more talented and interesting than the leads. But I’m so, so tired of people trying to convince me that Bradley Cooper is more than just a shaved emu with highlights and a great publicist.

Sure, he’s easy on the eyes, but there’s more to 2011’s Sexiest Man Alive Bradley Cooper than dazzling baby blues and a killer smile.

Ladies, take note: this Georgetown grad can whip up dinner, take you for a spin on his motorcycle and whisper sweet nothings in French (he’s fluent!). Just don’t try convincing him what a catch he is.

“I think it’s really cool that a guy who doesn’t look like a model can have this [title],” says the Hangover actor, 36. “I think I’m a decent-looking guy. Sometimes I can look great, and other times I look horrifying.”

Another reason to love him? Cooper, whose father Charles passed away in January, is especially close with his mom, Gloria. When he learned he’d been crowned Sexiest Man Alive, the “first thing I thought,” he says, “was, ‘My mother is going to be so happy.’ ”

So what’s the truth about his dating status?

Cooper, who was with Renée Zellweger for two years until their split in March and has been spotted out with Jennifer Lopez in recent months, says he’s a “single 36-year-old male.”

“If you’re a single man and you happen to be in this business,” he says, “you’re deemed a player. But I don’t see myself as a ladies’ man.”

[From People]

Yes, I’m sure his mom will be especially happy to hear that her son was named “the sexiest man alive”. And so will Victor Garber. And so will all of the dudes Bradley cruises on a regular basis. As for the ladies, our vadges will quietly weep as we think about all of the sexy dudes that could have gotten this honor.

By the way, this is back-to-back SMA hatred for me. Last year’s SMA was Ryan Reynolds, who looks like a gerbil, has no sex appeal and isn’t really a leading man either, in my opinion. Somehow, though, I understood the Ryan Reynolds thing a little bit more than THIS.

You can see the rest of the SMA gallery here, at People. Other dudes who made the list: Liam Hemsworth, Idris Elba (nice), Justin Theroux (because he’s dating “America’s Sweetheart” I guess), Chris Evans, Tim McGraw, Josh Charles, Joel McHale (CB will be thrilled), Jason Momoa, Ryan Gosling, Alec Baldwin and Dylan McDermott. NO FASSIE. Also, no Hamm Dong. No Gerard Butler. No Viggo, no James McAvoy, no Paul Bettany, no Brad Pitt, no George Clooney, no Matt Damon, NO NO NO NO.

Photos courtesy of WENN.